Jim, Mark, and I went to a wonderful seminar this past weekend about blood cancers. There were some really incredible classes given by doctors and there were booths with oncologists, drug companies, etc. It was a great place to obtain information, to hear lectures by doctors, to learn, and also to feel a commonality with others who have been diagnosed with a blood cancer. It was a first-rate seminar and I want to go again next year and also go to seminars given by other blood cancer organizations.

In the beginning, I was feeling a little apprehensive about going. I was afraid that maybe there would be really sick people there or people whose bodies were emaciated from cancer. What I found instead was that everyone there was a normal person, just like me. In the past when I would hear about someone who had cancer I felt afraid about that. I guess I’ve always lived my life trying to hide out from anything scary or anything I didn’t understand.

Also I was apprehensive about going because I felt, even though I’ve been diagnosed with cancer, that somehow it doesn’t really count because I haven’t been sick yet or anything. I told Jim the day of the seminar that I felt a little funny about going because of this and he said, “Do you have cancer?” I said “Yes.” And he said, “Then you should go to this.” And so we did.

At the seminar, you could choose two classes to attend from the many listed. I chose to go to a class on Clinical Trials, and a class on Stem Cell Transplants. I don’t know if I will ever participate in a clinical trial, and I may never need a stem cell transplant, but I wanted to learn about them so I know what they are and what’s involved.

Cancer is one big fear that needs to be faced. I had planned on living my entire life without cancer. I never planned to get cancer and it’s possible that it will never give me much trouble, but because of my age, at some point, I probably will need some type of treatment. I feel like I need to dig in, be afraid, feel afraid, and then maybe, if I face my fears, I’ll be able to move past them.

I guess if I want to separate out all my fears and be able to specify them, one of my fears is that you can treat cancer, and treat it again, go through all types of procedures and take all kinds of medicine, and it could still come back. There are no guarantees. You want to reach out and grab onto something safe, but there is nothing that is ever truly safe and without risk in life.

But even if a person never gets cancer, at some point, everyone grows old and dies. And that’s another fear, the fear of dying. So all people, not just those with cancer, must at some point come to terms with the ultimate fear, the fear of death. It’s something that everyone has to wrestle with, not just those with cancer.

Attending this weekend’s seminar was a great way to learn and gather information, but also a great way to start wading into my fears, facing them, and conquering them.

Sometimes I think people wish that they could fit events and situations in their lives neatly into a box leaving no loose ends or situations that have no easy answers. Unfortunately, it just isn’t the case and life is too complex to fit in neat, orderly little boxes. Life is too complex to control. But we try tirelessly none the less. One of the questions that comes up is: How do we come to terms with things that go wrong in life?

Seven months ago I had decided to examine my life and also ask and answer questions like: What is life about? What are we supposed to do while here on this earth? What will truly make us happy? What will make us feel fulfilled?

What conclusions have I come to in seven months? Well first, it was the Holidays. A very busy time. Then the weather turned really cold (why would that stop a person? I’m not sure, but weather is often used as an excuse for things) and then I went on vacation. And so here we are. Spring is dawning and life is going on and what have I found? What have I discovered?

I started reading books to learn more about Spirituality, a subject that I had never really paid to much attention to. I read or am currently reading:

The Wheels of Life by Anodea Judith: This book talks about the chakra systems of energy within our bodies. From the back cover of the book: “As portals between the physical and spiritual planes, the chakras offer unparalleled opportunites for growth, healing, and transformation.” Do these systems actually exist? In the end, I don’t think it really matters – the theories for keeping these systems in alignment offer a lot of good advice for maintaining a healthy body and mind.

Eastern Body, Western Mind by Anodea Judith: This book goes more into depth on the chakra systems and how they can affect our lives. I’m currently still reading this book.

Understanding Our Mind by Thich Nhat Hanh: This is a beautiful book of 50 ancient verses about how our minds really work. The verses are given at the beginning of the book and there is a chapter on each of the verses and what it means. I’m about half way through this book. It’s the type of book that you can’t read quickly. I read a chapter at a time and try to let each chapter slowly sink in. Makes me think of things such as, what is behind the conscious and sub-conscious parts of our mind? What are the building blocks of our minds? It may be that no one really knows for sure. It remains a beautiful mystery. But the verses in this book look at our minds as part of a field containing everything, all positive and all negative. It’s refreshing to know that by changing our thoughts we can harness every positive aspect of the universe around us.

Jung and Tarot, An Archetypal Journey by Sallie Nichols: This is a really interesting book about the different parts of our personas and/or subconsious. One thing I remember from the book is the author talking about the two different ways of knowing things. One way is through intellect and the other is through intuition. Intellect can only take us so far – even though we have phsyicists and scientists who know things about our universe in minute detail, there are still many many things they don’t know. And we don’t have, and may never have, tools that are sophisticated enough to help us find all of the answers to the questions about the universe. So it’s true that intellect can only carry us so far. The rest we must gleen from intuition, from a different kind of knowing. This spoke to me because I always thought intellect was the highest form of knowing everything. Now, I am open to a broader perspective.

I have done some reading from medical books but it is slow going and a little bit frustrating since I’m at such a basic level.

I started going to yoga classes. Not each single week but about once every other week. Even the beginner’s class is difficult for me, but I really like it and it’s a good way to refresh both body and mind.

I’m going to see a nutritionist to learn about healthier ways of eating in order to care for my body and keep it as healthy as can be.

That’s it so far. That is where I am right now. Writing about it helps me to keep focus. In life it is too easy to get distracted. Our days are always filled with so many tasks and events that it is easy to forget to look at the bigger picture and make goals for the long run. Writing about what I’m doing helps me to remember to keep pondering the big picture.