I received good results today at the doctor’s office, that everything has held stable and nothing has changed since the last time I was tested. Thank goodness. I go back in 3 months for my next blood test.

I have noticed a pattern that occurs when I receive results. It’s like I didn’t realize all the fear and dread that I had been walking around with and holding in, until I receive the results of the latest test and can breathe a sigh of relief. With this sigh of relief comes a flood of emotions, and two of the major ones are anger and frustration.

I’m happy and so relieved to get good results back from the doctor. But at the same time, anger and frustration comes pouring out because of the fears that have been hovering over me. Fears I didn’t even know I had until I’m able to breathe the sigh of relief. Then it all comes out.

To me, this cancer which is lurking in the background of my life is like a villain dressed in black lurking in a dark alley. The dark alley is one I have to walk down all the time. Once I’m able to breathe the sigh of relief, I realize how much I want to grab this villain by the collar and start shaking him, start pushing him away. I want to yell at him to go away and to stop bothering me. I seethe with anger to think of the fear that he puts me through.

He is interrupting my life, putting uncertainties in place, when I want to be carefree and happy, when I want to concentrate on hopes, dreams, goals, life experiences.

Of course, I’m so incredibly grateful that I’m in good shape and that there were no changes. But I’m angry that I even have to think about my health. I’m angry that I can’t take it for granted. I’m angry that this villain silently crept up on me. I’m angry that he makes me think about mortality.

I should be happy at good results, but I’m angry that I have to glance at the calendar and know that every three months that date is coming up when I have to face the results, whether good or bad. There is a question mark hanging out there every three months. And I dread the uncertainty of waiting for results.

I also try to hold in my emotions. I try to be stoic. Is that how I think I can have control over the situation? As if acting stoic will negate any reality that is going on? How much energy do I waste trying to feel that I’m the one who is in control? A futile effort it is at best.

I have so much to be thankful for but at the same time I’m angry. I’ll feel better tomorrow but for today I’m angry.