Jim, Mark, and I went to a wonderful seminar this past weekend about blood cancers. There were some really incredible classes given by doctors and there were booths with oncologists, drug companies, etc. It was a great place to obtain information, to hear lectures by doctors, to learn, and also to feel a commonality with others who have been diagnosed with a blood cancer. It was a first-rate seminar and I want to go again next year and also go to seminars given by other blood cancer organizations.

In the beginning, I was feeling a little apprehensive about going. I was afraid that maybe there would be really sick people there or people whose bodies were emaciated from cancer. What I found instead was that everyone there was a normal person, just like me. In the past when I would hear about someone who had cancer I felt afraid about that. I guess I’ve always lived my life trying to hide out from anything scary or anything I didn’t understand.

Also I was apprehensive about going because I felt, even though I’ve been diagnosed with cancer, that somehow it doesn’t really count because I haven’t been sick yet or anything. I told Jim the day of the seminar that I felt a little funny about going because of this and he said, “Do you have cancer?” I said “Yes.” And he said, “Then you should go to this.” And so we did.

At the seminar, you could choose two classes to attend from the many listed. I chose to go to a class on Clinical Trials, and a class on Stem Cell Transplants. I don’t know if I will ever participate in a clinical trial, and I may never need a stem cell transplant, but I wanted to learn about them so I know what they are and what’s involved.

Cancer is one big fear that needs to be faced. I had planned on living my entire life without cancer. I never planned to get cancer and it’s possible that it will never give me much trouble, but because of my age, at some point, I probably will need some type of treatment. I feel like I need to dig in, be afraid, feel afraid, and then maybe, if I face my fears, I’ll be able to move past them.

I guess if I want to separate out all my fears and be able to specify them, one of my fears is that you can treat cancer, and treat it again, go through all types of procedures and take all kinds of medicine, and it could still come back. There are no guarantees. You want to reach out and grab onto something safe, but there is nothing that is ever truly safe and without risk in life.

But even if a person never gets cancer, at some point, everyone grows old and dies. And that’s another fear, the fear of dying. So all people, not just those with cancer, must at some point come to terms with the ultimate fear, the fear of death. It’s something that everyone has to wrestle with, not just those with cancer.

Attending this weekend’s seminar was a great way to learn and gather information, but also a great way to start wading into my fears, facing them, and conquering them.