Jim, Mark, and I went to a wonderful seminar this past weekend about blood cancers. There were some really incredible classes given by doctors and there were booths with oncologists, drug companies, etc. It was a great place to obtain information, to hear lectures by doctors, to learn, and also to feel a commonality with others who have been diagnosed with a blood cancer. It was a first-rate seminar and I want to go again next year and also go to seminars given by other blood cancer organizations.

In the beginning, I was feeling a little apprehensive about going. I was afraid that maybe there would be really sick people there or people whose bodies were emaciated from cancer. What I found instead was that everyone there was a normal person, just like me. In the past when I would hear about someone who had cancer I felt afraid about that. I guess I’ve always lived my life trying to hide out from anything scary or anything I didn’t understand.

Also I was apprehensive about going because I felt, even though I’ve been diagnosed with cancer, that somehow it doesn’t really count because I haven’t been sick yet or anything. I told Jim the day of the seminar that I felt a little funny about going because of this and he said, “Do you have cancer?” I said “Yes.” And he said, “Then you should go to this.” And so we did.

At the seminar, you could choose two classes to attend from the many listed. I chose to go to a class on Clinical Trials, and a class on Stem Cell Transplants. I don’t know if I will ever participate in a clinical trial, and I may never need a stem cell transplant, but I wanted to learn about them so I know what they are and what’s involved.

Cancer is one big fear that needs to be faced. I had planned on living my entire life without cancer. I never planned to get cancer and it’s possible that it will never give me much trouble, but because of my age, at some point, I probably will need some type of treatment. I feel like I need to dig in, be afraid, feel afraid, and then maybe, if I face my fears, I’ll be able to move past them.

I guess if I want to separate out all my fears and be able to specify them, one of my fears is that you can treat cancer, and treat it again, go through all types of procedures and take all kinds of medicine, and it could still come back. There are no guarantees. You want to reach out and grab onto something safe, but there is nothing that is ever truly safe and without risk in life.

But even if a person never gets cancer, at some point, everyone grows old and dies. And that’s another fear, the fear of dying. So all people, not just those with cancer, must at some point come to terms with the ultimate fear, the fear of death. It’s something that everyone has to wrestle with, not just those with cancer.

Attending this weekend’s seminar was a great way to learn and gather information, but also a great way to start wading into my fears, facing them, and conquering them.

Sometimes I think people wish that they could fit events and situations in their lives neatly into a box leaving no loose ends or situations that have no easy answers. Unfortunately, it just isn’t the case and life is too complex to fit in neat, orderly little boxes. Life is too complex to control. But we try tirelessly none the less. One of the questions that comes up is: How do we come to terms with things that go wrong in life?

Seven months ago I had decided to examine my life and also ask and answer questions like: What is life about? What are we supposed to do while here on this earth? What will truly make us happy? What will make us feel fulfilled?

What conclusions have I come to in seven months? Well first, it was the Holidays. A very busy time. Then the weather turned really cold (why would that stop a person? I’m not sure, but weather is often used as an excuse for things) and then I went on vacation. And so here we are. Spring is dawning and life is going on and what have I found? What have I discovered?

I started reading books to learn more about Spirituality, a subject that I had never really paid to much attention to. I read or am currently reading:

The Wheels of Life by Anodea Judith: This book talks about the chakra systems of energy within our bodies. From the back cover of the book: “As portals between the physical and spiritual planes, the chakras offer unparalleled opportunites for growth, healing, and transformation.” Do these systems actually exist? In the end, I don’t think it really matters – the theories for keeping these systems in alignment offer a lot of good advice for maintaining a healthy body and mind.

Eastern Body, Western Mind by Anodea Judith: This book goes more into depth on the chakra systems and how they can affect our lives. I’m currently still reading this book.

Understanding Our Mind by Thich Nhat Hanh: This is a beautiful book of 50 ancient verses about how our minds really work. The verses are given at the beginning of the book and there is a chapter on each of the verses and what it means. I’m about half way through this book. It’s the type of book that you can’t read quickly. I read a chapter at a time and try to let each chapter slowly sink in. Makes me think of things such as, what is behind the conscious and sub-conscious parts of our mind? What are the building blocks of our minds? It may be that no one really knows for sure. It remains a beautiful mystery. But the verses in this book look at our minds as part of a field containing everything, all positive and all negative. It’s refreshing to know that by changing our thoughts we can harness every positive aspect of the universe around us.

Jung and Tarot, An Archetypal Journey by Sallie Nichols: This is a really interesting book about the different parts of our personas and/or subconsious. One thing I remember from the book is the author talking about the two different ways of knowing things. One way is through intellect and the other is through intuition. Intellect can only take us so far – even though we have phsyicists and scientists who know things about our universe in minute detail, there are still many many things they don’t know. And we don’t have, and may never have, tools that are sophisticated enough to help us find all of the answers to the questions about the universe. So it’s true that intellect can only carry us so far. The rest we must gleen from intuition, from a different kind of knowing. This spoke to me because I always thought intellect was the highest form of knowing everything. Now, I am open to a broader perspective.

I have done some reading from medical books but it is slow going and a little bit frustrating since I’m at such a basic level.

I started going to yoga classes. Not each single week but about once every other week. Even the beginner’s class is difficult for me, but I really like it and it’s a good way to refresh both body and mind.

I’m going to see a nutritionist to learn about healthier ways of eating in order to care for my body and keep it as healthy as can be.

That’s it so far. That is where I am right now. Writing about it helps me to keep focus. In life it is too easy to get distracted. Our days are always filled with so many tasks and events that it is easy to forget to look at the bigger picture and make goals for the long run. Writing about what I’m doing helps me to remember to keep pondering the big picture.

I’ve always thought of myself as more of a “show me” person than a person that takes things on faith. Even though I would categorize myself as a bit of a naive person, I have always thought that the best way to look at things is based on logic and reason rather than on faith. In my new quest for the meaning of life and for some type of connection to spirituality, I have come to realize that sometimes in my life, there were times when I acted out of faith. This is a wonderful thing to discover about myself, because as I search for the answer to the question of ”What is life about?”  it’s beginning to seem like Faith is a very important word.

One of the things that I have accomplished in my life took a lot of faith. That was going back to school to get a second bachelor’s degree in order to change careers. I changed careers from the field of Finance to the field of Engineering. Many people have asked why I decided to make that change. People have all kinds of opinions about it, but one thing is for certain – I could not have accomplished it if I didn’t have faith. I have thought about the faith it took and have compared it in my mind to swimming across a lake.

In the beginning, I took some night classes at the local junior college. It was a no risk way to stick my toes into the water. I worked at my job during the day and took classes at night. I did that for a few years and then I needed to move on from the junior college to the university where they offered the higher level classes that I needed to take.

Again, I was able to start doing this without much risk. I had worked at my job for several years and so my boss was willing to work with me and give me more flexible hours so that I could take a class during the day and make up the hours. I was wading into the water.

As I took more classes, you could say that I had waded into the water and had swum out to the raft. I was still not far from the shore and could easily turn back. I could stop taking classes and resume my current life without any changes and hardly any disruption.

But there came a point when I needed to take a leap of faith. I had several classes more to go, all of which were only offered during the day. It would also be wise to begin thinking of places to work where I could start getting some type of experience in the field of Engineering.

In order to finish my Engineering Degree, I would need to leave the safeness of the shallow water. There came a point when I had swam out so far into the lake that the opposite shore was the same distance as the shore I had come from. At that point, I had to take a leap of faith and let go of the shore I came from, and forge ahead to the opposite shore. Would I be too tired to finish the swim? Would the opposite shore hold what I was expecting? There is no way to answer those types questions up front, from the safety of the shallow water or the raft.

The only thing to do is not to look back and to trust in the future. The only thing to do is to have faith. That is the only way in life to make it to that opposite shore. And so I swam into the deep water until I could no longer see the shore I had come from. I concentrated on swimming to the opposite shore.

I said goodbye to those I had worked with for 10 years and left my job. I took an internship at a manufacturing company and I took the two semesters I had left of classes. 9/11 occured during my final semester in school. The economy plunged and jobs were scarce. That was the job market I entered when I obtained my degree.

Again, it took faith to get me through. I took a job through a temporary service working at a bank in the mortgage customer service area while I looked for an Engineering job. I also sent my resume to a recruiting company to find a job. Meanwhile at the temporary job, I learned skills in the customer service department regarding dealing with people that are applicable to any job. I can still use those skills today.

The person I dealt with at the recruiting company was very doubtful and told me it could take a long time to get a job. I told him of a company that I had heard of and was interested in working at. He told me there were no open positions there. I took matters into my own hands and called the company myself. The woman in Human Resources told me that there weren’t any jobs available but that some should be opening up soon. I kept in touch with the woman and sure enough I was able to interview for a position after a few months. After the interviewing process, I was offered a job. I had made it to the other shore.

There are some things that logic and reason cannot tell us. For those things, we need to trust our gut. We need to have faith.

The other day there was a snowstorm. When I got home from work that day, I decided to change my clothes and go back out for a walk in the snow. Driving in the snow makes me nervous. I end up clutching the steering wheel and holding my breath. Walking in the snow is a whole different matter. It is so relaxing to just walk through the winter wonderland and watch the snow falling in a silent frenzy around me.

Maybe snowstorms are Mother Nature’s way to force us to slow down. Mother Nature is saying, Relax, don’t take yourself so seriously, and slow down…there is something bigger than you out there. As I walked, I could feel all the stress from driving home melting away. By the time I got back from my walk, I was covered in white snowflakes and I felt stress free, relaxed, and happy.

Have you heard the song ”Don’t You Worry Child” by Swedish House Mafia? I think it’s a beautiful song. Although it’s about a young man talking about the first time he had his heart broken, the chorus of the song is the message that I take from it. The chorus says:

“Don’t you worry, don’t you worry child, Heaven’s got a plan for you.”

It’s such a wonderful message which to me says, sometimes we may spend time worrying or fretting about things and not understanding the things that life gives to us, but in the end, there is a plan for each of us. That’s something that I like to believe in.

I enjoyed watching the video on YouTube of this dance song with a strong beat, something you would hear if you went out to a club on a Saturday night. As I browsed all the videos that came up when I searched for this song, I found this very different version of the song, sung by Max Schneider (www.maxschneider.com). Max Schneider’s picture is posted above – I copied and pasted it from Google. The original video, by Swedish House Mafia, to me sounds upbeat and positive. I love it. But then I watched Max’s version and I felt like he really sang from the heart. His version is sung at a slower tempo, and there is just one instrument playing – a guitar. I find this version beautiful, haunting, and emotional.

Here is a link I found to the Max Schneider video on YouTube. I hope you enjoy it and that it speaks to you, as it does to me:

http://youtu.be/EAYk764oIfM

I’ve also discovered another inspiring version of the same song by Sam Tsui. This one features voice and piano.

Hope you enjoy this version as well.  Here is the link:

http://youtu.be/oWA4TddxXG4

I received good results today at the doctor’s office, that everything has held stable and nothing has changed since the last time I was tested. Thank goodness. I go back in 3 months for my next blood test.

I have noticed a pattern that occurs when I receive results. It’s like I didn’t realize all the fear and dread that I had been walking around with and holding in, until I receive the results of the latest test and can breathe a sigh of relief. With this sigh of relief comes a flood of emotions, and two of the major ones are anger and frustration.

I’m happy and so relieved to get good results back from the doctor. But at the same time, anger and frustration comes pouring out because of the fears that have been hovering over me. Fears I didn’t even know I had until I’m able to breathe the sigh of relief. Then it all comes out.

To me, this cancer which is lurking in the background of my life is like a villain dressed in black lurking in a dark alley. The dark alley is one I have to walk down all the time. Once I’m able to breathe the sigh of relief, I realize how much I want to grab this villain by the collar and start shaking him, start pushing him away. I want to yell at him to go away and to stop bothering me. I seethe with anger to think of the fear that he puts me through.

He is interrupting my life, putting uncertainties in place, when I want to be carefree and happy, when I want to concentrate on hopes, dreams, goals, life experiences.

Of course, I’m so incredibly grateful that I’m in good shape and that there were no changes. But I’m angry that I even have to think about my health. I’m angry that I can’t take it for granted. I’m angry that this villain silently crept up on me. I’m angry that he makes me think about mortality.

I should be happy at good results, but I’m angry that I have to glance at the calendar and know that every three months that date is coming up when I have to face the results, whether good or bad. There is a question mark hanging out there every three months. And I dread the uncertainty of waiting for results.

I also try to hold in my emotions. I try to be stoic. Is that how I think I can have control over the situation? As if acting stoic will negate any reality that is going on? How much energy do I waste trying to feel that I’m the one who is in control? A futile effort it is at best.

I have so much to be thankful for but at the same time I’m angry. I’ll feel better tomorrow but for today I’m angry.

Part of my new journey is spiritual. Trying to figure out why we are all here on this earth and what our purpose is.

I had a dream recently. A wise old monk in long robes came up to me and put one hand on each side of my face. The palms of his hand rested on my jawbone and the tips of his fingertips rested on my temples. When he put his hands on my face, all anxiety and fear, all negative feelings, left me. What remained were feelings of peace, calm, and comfort. I felt uplifted, validated, and whole. I could have remained like that, locked into those good and positive feelings, forever.

After I woke up, I tried to recall what it felt like to have only peace and calm. As I tried to recall, I could feel myself relax as I was able to get back close to that state. The dream was like some sort of gift that I can replay over and over again, to get to a calm and peaceful place.